from Selected Poems

Note: In this pair of poems, the speaker considers concepts of social value and self-worth, in the context of chronic ill-health and incapacity. In part 1, the speaker imagines what might be different if they were not alive at all, while in part 2, they provide a more hopeful response to that type of anxious imagining.

PERFORMANCE ANXIETY

1

I suppose, when I am dead,

they’ll know what to expect of me – 

my input and my output I’ll maintain

Consistency’s the key, you see, 

to meeting expectations

And when I’m dead, it’s dead I will remain!

Nobody’ll be frustrated

if their birthday card’s belated

I won’t cancel coffee catch-ups on the day

If the chores begin to pile

I won’t be resting all the while,

as others toil to clear them all away

When the day has not been easy

I won’t suddenly feel queasy,

abandoning my post amidst the rush

And when the kids are crazy

no-one will wonder if I’m lazy

when I still sleep but they are forced to hush

When the pressure starts to rise

They won’t see anguish in my eyes  

(no need to fret about my mettle too)

And if I’m not right there

they’ll know it’s not that I don’t care
(If only I could show how much I do)

No

I’ll raise no more false hope

that makes it hard to cope

when my body doesn’t rise, but falls instead

Indeed

Contemplating final curtains

I can, at least, be certain

that I’ll be quite predictable when I’m dead!

(In saying that.....)

2

At least if I’m alive

they can expect my ‘best available’ 

which is surely a better best than if I’m dead

I listen very carefully

and journey with them, mentally

(since I cannot often venture far from bed)

My illness evolution

has curtailed my contribution

But there must be ways that I still ‘value add’

I can put a load of washing through

— I sometimes even fold it too —

so the family is mostly cleanly clad

I screen the streams of notes from school

I pay most bills before they’re due

I remember bin day (almost every time)

And more than once the groceries

I ordered for delivery

have got us out of quite an awkward bind

And when my body won’t perform

there’s still so much joy and warmth

in moments shared just chatting quietly

And it’s actually got me thinking

that I probably am worth keeping,

and I might even be quite good company!

No 

A person’s worth can never 

just be tallied on a ledger

— the whole transcends the limits of the parts

Indeed

It deserves appreciation

maybe even celebration

that while I am still here, I’m here with all my heart            BACK TO POEMS